Archive for September, 2011

How do you know you are being manipulated?

September 11, 2011

Hang onto your hats people… this one is a doozey…

There are all kinds of people out there that are in need. And needy people find giving people like Christians, who know that when a person is in need they are supposed to give to them. The Giver is so happy to help! It’s part of their nature. So people who are needy look for these kinds of individuals. I’ve even heard some say, “But you are a Christian, aren’t you are supposed to give it to me when I ask?” But they don’t read the rest of their Bible that says, “Don’t cast your pearls to the swine” or “withdraw yourself from those who work iniquity.” And I believe people who use Christians to get fulfilled is someone who “works iniquity” relying on people rather that truly relying on God.

We find that fundraising for “causes” use manipulation! They show pictures of downtrodden, burning buildings, floods, along with playing sad music to move you and to get you to give, this is manipulation. I was on my way to church this morning and I read a sign that said, “How much is your life worth to you… $80.00?” This had to do with the fire department’s fundraising. I’m not at all against advertising a need, but the use of fear and sympathy tactics is ungodly. Simply state the need and let others form their opinions…  It’s when others try to form our opinion, is where I see a problem.

Did you know that you can be manipulated by a person driving the car in front of you? A perfect stranger! How? If they drive slow, what does that do to you? If a car is tailgating, what does that do to you? Do you react? Do you get mad or impatient? The fact is, people can act any way they want, it’s our response that determines if we are being manipulated or not. If a person drives slow, then drive slow too.  If you can pass, then pass. If a person is tailgating, pull over and let them by… Otherwise YOU are falling prey to being victimized. And manipulation always ends up in some sort of victimization.

This is rampant IN the church today as well! I know of several churches who have interns. They teach these interns to rely on others for financial support and housing. How it works is that these interns PAY to be an intern, there are strict rules and guidelines to follow, but they are given an opportunity to be a part of this wonderful church. I’ve known several interns who’ve worked more than 40 hours per week, consumed with church activity, all for FREE! These churches are using slave labor (of which I’ve even heard a staff member say), and not only that, but teaching these people to fen off others for their livelihood. That is terribly wrong. Because when that person stops being an intern, and exhausted all their resources, now what? They are thrown out into the world with a “you have to help me” mentality, and they become a people most miserable and burning bridges where ever they go. This person has become a manipulator of Christians. Have you heard of someone manipulating the system? Well, this is what they do to Christians. They know their Bible, but for their own purpose and gain.

So, how do you know when you are being “railroaded” or “manipulated?”

1) They get you to give them what they need without even ASKING you for it. For example someone may say. Boy, it sure would be nice to wear a better pair of shoes. Your response to that is, “Hey, maybe I can get you a new pair of shoes, would you like that?” And they’ll respond quite surprised, “Oh, wow… would you do that for me?” Or…  Someone is driving a car with bald tires who works for you. They have mentioned the tires only one time, but in your mind you are feeling responsible to get them the new tires because they are working for you.

2) We take on their responsibility and do things FOR them! We might even do something for them, and they resent that you are doing it for them because they never asked! What a vicious cycle.

3) Their comments, or their facial expressions causes you to respond. I know that when I look at my husband a certain way, he knows that means I want him to do something…  We do it all day long to each other, it truly needs to stop. I am also working on this myself because if you don’t like being controlled and manipulated, it’s for certain others don’t like it either. (I am writing another blog along these lines called, “What is falling out of your mouth?” – so watch for that.)

4)  The relationship is one-sided. They may want to be in relationship with you, but deep inside you do not, or not the way they desire.

5)  You find yourself doing what you don’t really want to do because you feel guilty for NOT doing it. It leads to stress, anger, gossip and resentment, to name a few. For example, you may have invested time and money on them, and you are starting to feel resentful because you feel used. (Let me add here that a person can never make us feel anything.. it’s our own heart condition and our own needs that cause us to respond in various ways. So we may have some soul searching to do ourselves.)

6)  If you FEAR them. By this I mean you have a very hard time telling them the truth about how you feel about the situation for fear of what they will say or do.

7)  You try to avoid them because you are afraid of what they’ll want next. That comes from a spirit of dread! You dread seeing this person, now you have compounded the problem. Because not only do you dread what they’ll do, now that spirit has access to the other areas of your life!

8)  If that person is on your mind all the time…  everything you say and do somehow goes back to this individual in some way. They become a topic of discussion, or the decisions you make involves them somehow. It’s a consuming fire, but the wrong fire.

9)  If you feel that God will be mad at you if you don’t do what they want. Many count on your relationship with God as guilt tactics to get what they want.

10)  If you feel pressured or pushed into doing something. Perhaps a person has a need, and you see it, and you want to fill it because you have it to do it. Do it because you want to, not because you are obligated. Remember, God loves a cheerful giver. So if you aren’t cheerful, or doing it to get something yourself, then don’t.

11) If they start praising you and even telling others what you are doing for them. (See all praise should be to God… not man)

12) If you get angry, feel sad and depressed whenever you think of this person. That means you have unforgiveness toward them.

These things can also lead to inordinate affection. I researched the word and put some definitions here:

  • A lust for the flesh. A desire for things in the world. Things that the flesh pulls your clean spirit to.
  • Inordinate affection is the opposite of proper affection.
  • Inordinate affection may manifest as lust for one that should not recieve our affection, which Bible teachers may link to soul ties. (Remember the Bible says to set your affections on things above… not on the earth. We are to be consumed with God not man.)
  • In my website teaching called “Sex and the Bible” I refer to Colossians 3:5 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. 5Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience.

Inordinate affection is listed among things that disobedient children do… and the wrath of God may come upon them for it. If you allow yourself to fall into this type of relationship and stay there for any period of time, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You are partaking in that person’s sins, and we are held accountable.

  • The Word Inordinate means: Not within proper or reasonable limits; immoderate;excessive, unrestrained in conduct, feelings, etc.: an inordinate admirer of beauty. disorderly; uncontrolled. not regulated; irregular.

So if you are obsessing over someone, or if someone is obsessing over you (could be toward the opposite sex or with same sex), then you better do something about it. This is NOT normal…  It is unnatural. I’m talking about being controlled by another individual, I’m not talking about sexual relationships. You can have a relationship that is not good without sex…  And anytime you are being controlled or controlling others, it’s a form of witchcraft! Now that will lead to a whole other teaching…  I’ll leave that topic with this question, Who has bewitched you? (Galatians 3:1)

These are just a few things to consider, I’m sure there are more. But if any ring true for you, you have the power to stop this and find peace with yourself and even with the other individual. How?

1) First repent that you have allowed another being to control you!  Repent for fearing man, fearing losing your reputation, fearing what others are thinking, dreading, and even trying to control the situation. We start doing the very same things that person is doing to us!!! The only one who is in control is God. And when we allow others to manipulate us, we are not submitting to God and His Word. The Bible is very clear on that point. Paul taught that nothing is to control us but the Holy Spirit. Don’t feel guilty or mad at yourself for this, just repent to God.

2) If you do want to give something to someone, make sure there are no resentments or strings attached. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for some heartache and digging the hole deeper.

3) Forgive the individual for manipulating you for using the name of God. Many use scriptures to support their manipulation. You become expert in the Word so that you know ALL the truth. A manipulator only uses some of the truth. I have an awesome teaching on my website that explains how to forgive from your heart. Saying “I forgive you” is only part of that equation, we need to not only forgive out of obedience, but from our heart too. Go to http://www.truthfrees.org and click on the teachings link.)

4) By forgiving from your heart, you are also breaking off soul-ties or dependencies to that person. A person who is tied to another emotionally will be easily manipulated. Those ties have to be broken in order to be used by God, NOT the person. See, we can still help people, but not with all this toxicity involved. That way you will give as the Lord leads, not what others dictate to you to do.

5) Ask God to forgive you for fearing He will be mad at you if you don’t succumb to this individual. Ask Him to forgive you for fearing this person, and making his wants and needs higher than God. Because when we give in to others… that is NOT a godly principle. The Bible says to be a cheerful giver.. not only about tithes and offerings, but in giving to others of your substance. If you aren’t happy to give, then don’t! It will do you or anyone else any good and you are enabling more than helping.

6)  Be honest! The hardest thing to do when someone is manipulating you is being honest. The only way to stay out of ALL manipulating relationships is to be honest from the get-go. The minute you “do” something for them out of fear, or “should haves” the door has been opened to wrong soul-ties and manipulation. But by being honest, you are keeping things in the proper order, for proper relationship. Be truthful in your feelings, what you think about what they are asking, etc. Not being honest opens the door for the enemy to get in and distort your love and giving into fear and manipulation.

7) Look to the Lord. The Bible says to keep our affections on things above not on things on the earth. I like that advice. If I keep my heart and mind on the Lord and when someone comes along needing my help, I’ll do it according to the Word, not out of fear of being rejected, or not pleasing God. We cannot help everyone! Jesus didn’t even help everyone! How do I know? I’ll answer it with this question… Is everyone saved?

8) Withdraw yourself. It’s quite biblical to choose to withdraw yourself from an individual who is misinterpretating the Gospel for their own gain.  It doesn’t mean that you won’t ever see them again… but just until you are freed from any of their manipulation and fear. You can come back into a relationship with them when you are not longer being a puppet on a string for them, or if they have changed in that area themselves. You can lift them up in prayer, but you don’t have to partake in their iniquity any longer. The Bible even says that those who fellowship with darkness will be in darkness themselves. And a manipulator is a person in darkness – even if they are a Christian.

9) Open rebuke is better than secret love. I touched on being honest and truthful earlier about your own feelings, but we also need to be honest with God and others regarding what the Word says. So we can openly speak the words of truth to the individual and trust God to help you. But when we do decide to talk to that individual, BE QUITE SURE you don’t carry any bitterness or unforgiveness toward them, otherwise you will make a big mess! You have to do to them from the mercy and love of God… not yours… Because it’s HIS love that sets people free.. And if His love is in you… you can be used to set people free.

10) The only reason we give in to an individual like this is because of the “voices” in our head telling us that if we don’t, we aren’t being a very good Christian. Those voices come from an accuser who wants you to feel bad all day long, and will use other Christians and even the Bible to do so! He does it with a perverted twist to everything. We have to get rid of the accusing spirit that is yelling in our minds by recognizing that voice, casting it down, and only listening to God’s voice. We HAVE to learn the difference. Hebrews tells us that a matured Christian knows the difference between good and evil. That includes good intentions and bad intentions too.

It’s important to understand that being manipulated by another is wickedness and mischievous, and if you allow that, you may be swept away with it yourself!  Psalm 28:3 Draw me not away with the wicked, and with the workers of iniquity, which speak peace to their neighbours, but mischief is in their hearts.

God knows the heart of man. He knows when others are wolves in sheep’s clothing using His word for their own gain, and He knows a sincere heart. We have to truly know the heart of God, stay transparent before Him ALL DAY LONG so that we can see these wolves as well. Remember, we have been given the ability to discern the spirits, both good and evil and live according to His Word, in love, power and a sound mind.

1 Timothy 2:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind.”

Anytime we are being manipulated we have lost the power, love and a sound mind… we have given in to a spirit of fear. It’s your choice today, make it a good one.

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